One of the most awful aspects of having bipolar disorder is dealing with the shame that comes after having manic and depressive episodes. Our symptoms are caused by a chemical imbalance that makes us behave in ways that can be confusing, hurtful, and problematic to those around us. Because our illness causes a change in behaviour it is difficult for people to separate our symptoms from who we are as people. As a result, individuals in our life may change the way they treat us after an episode. This along with memories of the episode can all contribute to a heavy sense of shame.
After manic episodes, people who are impact by the episode may react to the person who had it with anger, resentment, and fear. It is not my place to say which of these feelings are valid or not valid, but I believe the fear is often a result of the media and entertainment industry’s love of portraying people who have mental illnesses as violent. We are no more likely to be violent than the general population. Feelings of anger and resentment are valid but a challenge to process because we would never choose to behave the way that we do when we are acutely ill. Being the brunt of this type of negativity is hard on our self esteem and it diminishes our ability to have a positive sense of self.
The shame that comes from depressive episodes can be different. These episodes may result in friends breaking off contact from you because you are no longer pleasant to be around. You may lose a job because you are not able to perform your duties or a relationship with a spouse may end as they feel you are no longer capable of being a positive influence in their life. These episodes are not our fault, but the consequences on our lives are considerable and can be hard on our sense of self worth.
It is not just the reaction of people around us that is difficult, but the memories of our behaviour can bother us as well. I remember saying awful things to loved ones during the height of my irritability and the confused faces of people who did not understand my psychosis. These memories used to weigh heavily on me, and they made me wonder if I deserved to pursue a better life.
One of the ways I recovered from the overwhelming shame was by attending a peer support group at OBAD. It was nice to meet people who had bipolar disorder that managed to have a positive life and almost everyone could relate to my experience of dealing with shame. Attending the group and trying to focus on living in the moment rather than ruminating on the past has helped.
I have heard stories of family members repetitively reminding people who have bipolar disorder of their behaviour during acute episodes because they are angry or hurt by what happened. While it is understandable that one would want to seek comfort after being hurt by these events, constantly reminding someone of their behaviour when they were acutely ill is hurtful. It may be more helpful to seek out support from agencies like the Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorder, the Canadian Mental Health Association and the DBSA who have groups and resources for family members of people who have bipolar disorder.
Feelings of shame after acute episodes can be so debilitating that it may hinder the possibility of returning to a functional life. Even if I deserve to be punished for the pain my illness has caused people connected to my life, surely a life sentence of crippling shame would be an excessive punishment. To minimize the negative impact my illness has on those around me, all I can do is make lifestyle choices that are conducive to making my symptoms manageable. I cannot do this if I am stuck in shame.
Wow, yes you nailed it Allan. What can I say . Shame is a huge issue in my recovery. Gas lighting is a huge problem I think with so many people who have had manias or depressions. It seems one wrong move and it’s blamed on our illness. Easier to blame people with an illness than to look at the whole picture. Then of course shame and hurt and anger follow. As I’ve remained stable for a long time , I have let go of ruminating on the things I did while manic I have learned to accept that yes .. I lost most of my friends… yes I caused hurt and pain but there’s nothing I could have done differently at the time. Today I will do my best and if my best is not good enough……that is not my issue
Thank you once again for another inspiring subject. Love your writing !
Thank you for sharing your experience and insights Annette.
This is such a powerful, important, and widespread emotion. Most people with almost any mental health issue or diagnosis suffer significant shame, which often intensifies social withdrawal, and can even accelerate the spiral towards self-harm. I know this from both professional and personal perspectives. Thanks for touching on this challenging topic. The silver lining in shame is that because it is self-inflicted, it is within our power to face it, and welcome it when it arises. Thich Naht Hahn encourages embracing our shame, and smiling at it. By recognizing that shame just is one part of who we are, no more, or less, valuable than any other part of us, it can lose its destructive energy. This is certainly easier said than done, especially when feeling overwhelmed by the emotion, but with practice, meditation, and mindfulness, it is possible. Thanks for your weekly soul-food, Allan.
Thank you for the kind words Andre. Also, I really appreciate you sharing your insightful perspective based on your personal and professional experience.