The “I Am Ok” Costume

In my experience, most people who have bipolar disorder put a lot of effort into acting like they are fine despite the fact they are really struggling. This problem is not unique to bipolar disorder, but since it is the illness I have, I will focus on it for this blog.  

Many of the symptoms of bipolar disconnect us from people. At times, the illness prevents us from physically experiencing enjoyment. When this happens conversations are extremely difficult. People generally like to talk about positive experiences they’ve had or are having. When depressive episodes rob you from physically experiencing joy then that changes how you interact with people.

For example, depressive episodes prevent you from finding anything entertaining. You could go to a movie with a friend and when they ask you if you liked it you cannot say, “Normally, I would love it George, but right now I am experiencing a depressive episode which messes with neurotransmitters in my body, and as a result I cannot experience enjoyment right now.” I suppose you could say that, but it would probably be hard to maintain friendships if you did this on a regular basis and it is unlikely that your friend would understand what you mean. It is simpler and better for us if we just put the ” I am Ok” costume on and say we liked the movie.

It’s not just depressive episodes that are problematic. Hypomanic symptoms also require a lot of energy to make one appear “Ok.” During one of these episodes, you might notice that people keep asking you to stop interrupting them because you are talking too much or your brain is screaming at you to buy a bunch of stuff you do not need. You cannot say, “Please ignore me for awhile I’m hypomanic. Can I buy your shoes? I love this song. Do you love this song? Let’s dance on the escalator.” Instead of saying or doing these types of things you have to grit your teeth, put the costume on, smile and try not to say anything.

All of this may not seem like a big deal but it’s exhausting. Bipolar disorder is a chronic illness, so our medication helps a lot, but we still have to deal with our symptoms to varying degrees on a regular basis. When we are not well enough to get the costume over our shoulders the consequences can be harsh. A parent may be at a graduation or wedding and be unable to experience the joy of the moment and can be accused of being uncaring or cold. Someone who is hypomanic can lose a lot of money, relationships, and employment.

For me, the only relief I got from wearing the heavy, “I am ok” costume was attending peer support groups at OBAD. The format is simple. You show up at a meeting and just exist without any judgement or expectation. My first meeting was such a relief. My depressive episode was so severe I could barely manage to keep my eyes open and get a word out of my mouth. It didn’t matter. Listening to other people who had bipolar disorder talk about their experience made me feel connected and not alone. I could just be ill, and everyone understood, and they were comfortable with it.

What can people who do not have bipolar disorder do to help us when they notice we are struggling to get the costume on? Unfortunately, there is not much anyone can do. My neurotransmitters do not speak English so pep talks, advice or punitive judgement will not pop me back into wellness. I just need people to be patient and compassionate with me and, in time, I will feel better.