Bipolar Weekly

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Recovery from the Losses Bipolar Disorder Can Impose on Life

January 25, 2021 /
Photo by Gabby K from Pexels

Imagine walking down the road and as you stroll past one block you have a career, a spouse, money, and friends and then by the end of the second block you have none of these things. In their place, you receive the ire of people who are angry, afraid, or frustrated with you. This example is similar to what some people with bipolar disorder may experience within a couple of months.

A severe depressive episode can leave you unable to perform your duties at work causing loss of employment, resulting in financial problems that lead to trouble in your marriage ultimately ending your relationship.  A manic episode might cause you to overspend, have an affair, or your colleagues and friends may become fearful of you because of your psychosis. This can all lead to a loss of relationships with friends, colleagues, family members and spouses and all your life savings.

After my last manic episode, I had this level of loss. It had been the third time it had happened to me. I felt done with life. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried bipolar disorder would never allow me to be happy. I had lost my job, moved to a small town where I did not know anyone, spent all my money and alienated myself from my friends. The depressive episode that followed was so debilitating I rarely got out of bed and my appetite was so poor that I only ate one sausage roll and a glass of orange juice on the good days. Some days, I did not eat at all.

To rebuild my life I received a lot of support from my family. They ensured I had my basic needs met and called me regularly to offer support and encouragement. In addition, I started going to a peer support group that I used to attend regularly at an organization called OBAD. I felt embarrassed that I was manic and extremely obnoxious at the last meeting I went to but when I saw my peers again it was a relief. People were happy to see me and my peers perception of Allan had not been tainted by the symptoms of bipolar disorder.

With the support of the group I was able to gain the emotional resiliency and confidence to move back to Calgary. It was nice to be back in my hometown. I reconnected with friends and being in the city offered me more opportunities to build a healthy routine.

My psychiatrist recommended I look for a volunteer job. When I was a child my grandmother used to bring me to a centre for seniors to have lunch and play badminton called the Kerby Centre. I decided to volunteer there in the Information Department and Volunteer Department. The positions provide structure to my week, a sense of fulfillment and interacting with the appreciative staff creates a positive energy that contributes to my wellness.

I became a facilitator for the meeting at OBAD in 2012. It is amazing to be involved in the recovery of so many extraordinary people and I still learn things from the meetings that I can apply to my own life. It has been my experience that people with bipolar disorder are compassionate, creative and they have an insightful perspective on life. I am grateful for the honor and privilege of working with my peers.

Rebuilding your life after the devastation of an acute episode can seem impossible. Peer support can help because you meet people who have done it which can give you hope. It is an awful and lengthy process that requires self compassion, determination and supports from the ones we love. In the end, it leaves us grateful for a life of stability that includes moments of joy.

Life After Psychosis

January 18, 2021 /

This blog was published by the International Bipolar Foundation.

Life After Psychosis

By: Allan G. Cooper

Do you know what it feels like to help NASA calculate the speed of light? Or, maybe you know what it’s like to find a formula that makes nuclear fusion possible. How about being the sole person responsible for averting a disaster that would crash the entire internet. Do you know what that’s like? I do. Well, I know what it’s like to believe I am going through these experiences would be more accurate.

I have bipolar 1 and these are all examples of a type of psychosis called delusions that I have had. Delusions and hallucinations are forms of psychosis that people with bipolar disorder may suffer from during full blown manic episodes.

I had my first episode at the age of twenty-five when I was living in Japan teaching English and working on my goal to become completely proficient in Japanese. During a period of considerable stress, I started to believe that I had achieved Enlightenment and I had been gifted unbridled intelligence and the power to heal people. My family was forced to come to Japan to bring me home. I lost all of my money, my career and all of my friendships.

Psychosis scares people. The media often reports stories that make a connection between psychosis and violence which in my opinion contributes to the problem. People with mental illnesses are no more likely to be violent than the general population. All of the regular stuff we do just isn’t interesting enough to put into a news story.

When you’re psychotic you are not in a hazy dream state. Your bipolar brain is telling you that what is going on around you is completely real. Eventually, you end up on the psych ward trying to explain to everyone that they don’t understand that the world is going to end. You beg the staff to let you go because the results will be catastrophic if they don’t. Then, one day you wake up and the world did not end and you’re left trying to make sense of the fact that the organ that controls every aspect of your life has let you down.

To recover from this type of episode is not easy and it requires work. I know that is not what I wanted to hear when it happened to me the first time but that is reality. The physical recovery from the episode is a challenge and you will likely have a depressive episode when you crash and you will need time to deal with that as well.

Once you are physically back in the game it’s time to pick up the pieces. A nice way to ease back into society is by doing volunteer work. This gives you the opportunity to make new friends, gain work experience and it provides structure to your day. People are happy to have your help and it’s pretty hard to get fired from a volunteer job. You can control your hours and if you are physically not able to work on a bad bipolar day you can take the day off without any hassles.

Therapy can also play an important part in rebuilding your life. It can help you process the potentially traumatizing experience of going through psychosis. Also, it can provide tools that can make managing the chronic symptoms of bipolar disorder more manageable.

I haven’t had a manic episode in 8 years now. I take my meds, I have a routine that brings me joy and I have an exceptional psychiatrist. I have an outstanding group of peers that help me stay well. My friends who have bipolar are the most non judgemental, genuine and gentlest people you could ever have the pleasure to meet. Because we know what it’s like to suffer in ways others cannot even fathom, we have a tremendous capacity for empathy.

My peers and I are obviously not afraid of each other so our discussions about our psychosis are really extraordinary. Sometimes we burst out laughing at some of the ridiculous behavior you see when people are experiencing psychosis. There is the guy who bought a horse when he knew nothing about horses and he lived in an apartment. The fact, that there is always one guy on the psych ward who thinks he’s Jesus is kind of funny too. Of course, there are stories that are not the least bit amusing but at least we can talk about it openly and comfortably.

I strongly suggest that if you are struggling with trying to deal with the shame, loss and guilt that comes with dealing with the aftermath of psychosis you go find a group of your bipolar brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, we have an illness that has unusual behavior as a symptom and some people may not be capable of separating that from who we really are. We are responsible for cleaning up the mess that our Illness can create but we need compassion from those around us and ourselves to do it successfully.

Discussing Peer Support, Hypomania and Creativity with OBAD Executive Director Kaj Korvela

January 11, 2021 /
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko from Pexels

This week my blog features a podcast interview with Kaj Korvela, Executive Director of OBAD, the Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorder. We discuss the value of peer support, hypomania and how creativity is experienced by people who have bipolar disorder.

Discussing Peer Support, Hypomania and Creativity with OBAD Executive Director Kaj Korvela

Life Beyond Survival Mode

January 4, 2021 /

Recently, I was hiking with some friends and as we walk through a portion of the trail where pure white snow draped the trees that lined the path, I was in awe of being engulfed in the beauty that surrounded me. It made me reflect on my life and I felt a sense of gratitude that I was able to experience the pleasure of being in nature. There was a time in my life when I believed that a day like that could not happen.

My last manic episode was in 2010. Once it was over, I had spent all my money, lost my job, and several friends. The depressive episode that followed was so debilitating that I spent most of my days in bed with terrible physical pain and horrible negative thoughts bombarded my brain. I was exhausted and I was hardly eating anything. It was the third time that this had happened to me and I could not imagine ever having any kind of existence that was not clouded in misery.

What I have learned since then is that even though you cannot think of a solution to your problems it does not mean that a solution does not exist. I received a great deal of support from my family which kept me going but there were also things that happened that I could not have predicted that helped me get my life back together again.

One day, I was talking to a healthcare professional and he disclosed to me that he had bipolar disorder. I had become so stuck that learning that this person also had bipolar disorder and he had a positive life made me feel better. It gave me a little added strength to carry on.

Around the same time, I ran into a facilitator of a peer support group I used to attend regularly at an organization called OBAD. She encouraged me to come back to the group. Attending the group empowered me to rebuild my life slowly and methodically. In 2012, I became one of the facilitators of the group.

Life is unpredictable. If we continue to do our best and we are open to accepting the support of others there is always hope that things can get better. Now that I have been through these trying times when I experience a beautiful moment it is a little sweeter because I know what it feels like to believe that such a day is an impossibility.

Our Collective Resilience

December 28, 2020 /
Photo by Min An from Pexels

I do not believe, “Everything happens for a reason.” There is no reason why one child is born into a horrifically abusive home while another grows up in a nurturing environment.  I do not believe, “We all have our stuff.” Everyone struggles with their own personal adversity, but some suffer more than others. The world is not so simple that we have all been given an equal slice of the finite pie of personal hardship. I do believe that there can be positive outcomes from tragic circumstances.

There is nothing that I can write that could do justice to the cloud of darkness that Covid-19 has imposed on our world. The loss of life, mental health tragedies, isolation, strained work environments, exhausted medical staff and having our healthcare system pushed to the edge of collapse is hard to completely conceptualize. In my case, the major change has been the end of meeting in groups in public.

I am a peer support group facilitator for people who have bipolar disorder for an agency called OBAD, The Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorder. I remember when we had to adapt to doing our meetings online, I was doubtful that they would be as effective as being present with others in the same space but they have been a success. Plus, we have gained the capacity to support individuals who live outside of Calgary. Covid-19 forced us to create a service that we will provide in addition to our regular meetings in the future.  

I am a member of Toastmasters International, a club that empowers people to improve their public speaking and leadership skills. When Covid-19 forced us to have our meetings online I was concerned they would be less meaningful but it has given us the opportunity to improve our speaking skills in front of a camera. In addition, we have new members who live in the UK, Ecuador, and the US. When it becomes safe to do our meetings in person, we will have hybrid meetings so our new friends who live in other countries can attend virtually.

Covid-19 has stung all of us in different ways and to varying degrees. I do not know what life has been like for exhausted healthcare workers or families who have lost loved ones and have not been able to grieve together, but I imagine the pain is enormous. Despite these challenges this catastrophic global disaster has allowed us to witness the emergence of human resiliency, strength and creative problem solving that we might never have experienced. My hope is that the discovery of these positive traits creates a momentum of change in our society that we will benefit from well into the future.  

Covid-19, Crochet and Christmas

December 21, 2020 /

Last Wednesday, I hit the wall. I struggled to get out of bed, I felt no desire to eat and I found music irritating. These are all signs of the start of a depressive episode for me. Just by coincidence, I had my appointment to see my psychiatrist on Thursday. Her assessment was that I was not experiencing a depressive episode but a psychosocial problem. She determined that the isolation that Covid-19 has imposed on my life has had a significant negative impact on my mental health.

People with bipolar disorder need structure and commitments. It prevents us from getting into ruts that can lead to the physical symptoms of depressive episodes. I volunteer with seniors at an agency called the Kerby Centre. I love the laughs that I share with the warm and appreciative staff and working with seniors gives me a sense of fulfillment. The Kerby Centre is providing crucial support to seniors in the Calgary area during Covid-19 but the building has been closed to the public and volunteers for the majority of the year so my position has been put on hold temporarily.

I cannot replace the time I spend at the Kerby Centre, but I can find other activities to sustain myself until the pandemic is over. After discussing several solutions with my psychiatrist, the most appealing idea that emerged was crochet. Crocheting is good for your brain and having a finished product will give me a sense of accomplishment. Many years ago, I learned how to crochet mainly out of curiosity and because I wanted to crochet stuffed animals as Christmas presents for my nieces and nephew.

This year, Covid-19 has changed Christmas celebrations. I will not be spending time with family during the holiday season. I will miss our traditions including singing Christmas Carols. When we sing “The Twelve Days of Christmas” we are all assigned different parts of the song to sing solo. I will miss my brother puffing up his chest, tilting his head back and extending his arm like an opera singer before he bellows, “Five! Golden! Rings!” He does it every year and it still makes everyone laugh.

We may not be able to hug, kiss or shake hands with one another but we are all still connected. I will not see any of my family members in person this Christmas but that does not change how much they love me and how much I love them. We all still care for our friends and neighbours even though the virus has robbed us of our ability to show it in the way we have all our lives. When the pandemic is over these gestures will take on a special meaning for us and we will never take them for granted again.

Bipolar Depression vs. Situational Depression

December 14, 2020 /

I wrote this blog a couple of years ago and it was published by the International Bipolar Foundation.

Bipolar Depression vs. Situational Depression

By: Allan G. Cooper

If you have 2 broken legs, climbing a hill would be extremely difficult. Even if you were a motivated person with an exceptional level of discipline, the physical damage to your legs would prevent you from making any progress.

Bipolar Depressive Episodes are similar because are bodies our physically unable to function properly when they occur. Fundamentally, Bipolar Disorder is a physical illness with psychological symptoms, not a psychological problem with physical symptoms.

Prior to my first manic episode in 1995, I had times in my life when I felt depressed. I felt depressed when my pet parrots died. I felt depressed when my parents got divorced. I felt depressed when at the conclusion of a socially successful first year at University I found out I failed Anthropology. These are all healthy emotional responses to events that took place in my life.

Bipolar Depressive Episodes are completely different. It includes the awful feeling of depression and so much more. My first depressive episode was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Despite the fact that I have a bachelor’s degree in Psychology nothing could have prepared me for that period in my life. I could not have even imagined that this type of suffering could even exist.

During a bipolar depressive episode, a lot of the human part of human existence is removed. All of my senses worked and my ability to move my limbs was fine but that was close to the limit of my capacity to interact with my environment.

During that time, I could tell you all of the colours in a bouquet of flowers but I would not be able to appreciate its beauty. I could tell you if food was salty, sweet or sour but I would not be able to enjoy the taste. I could tell the difference between Country, Jazz or Hit music but I would not be able to experience the music beyond that.

The fatigue was awful. I had to use both hands to brush my teeth and I only had the energy and appetite to eat a bun with butter and some milk everyday. I remember the day I was able to make a whole sandwich for the first time distinctly because it was such a surprise.

Like most people who go through this, I spent a great deal of time in bed. I was so tired and sleepy that I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I experienced a significant amount of physical pain so the warmth of staying under the covers helped me feel better.

In my opinion, the word “depression”, when it is used in reference to mental illness, is contributing to the stigma that people who have bipolar have to face. Those of us who have the illness will often hear well meaning-comments like: “when I feel down I take an extra vitamin B”. or, “when I feel depressed I go to a comedy club”. or, “when I am sad I spend the day watching Netflix and drinking wine.” Just like none of these things would help a broken leg they won’t help us.

There is no quick fix for getting out of a depressive episode. To get back to wellness your physical symptoms need to be dealt with. This includes finding the right medication

and physical activity that is realistic given the severity of your symptoms. Also, regular visits to a specialized medical doctor called a psychiatrist will be necessary.

This does not mean that therapy and other forms of balanced health practices have no value for people who have bipolar. Our illness is chronic so our energy to deal with life can be limited. Therapy can help us by reducing the stress from past traumatic experiences and it can give us tools to manage our symptoms more effectively.

People who have Bipolar Disorder have made tremendous contributions to society and I have had the pleasure of meeting some of them. If there was an increased understanding of the physical nature of Bipolar Disorder not only would that help those of us who have it thrive but it would also be a reflection of a society that is invested in fostering compassion and understanding.

Supporting a Friend in a Bipolar Depressive Episode

December 14, 2020 /

I wrote this blog a couple of years ago. It was published by The International Bipolar Foundation.

Supporting a Friend in a Bipolar Depressive Episode

By: Allan G. Cooper

When I am experiencing a Depressive Episode it feels like I am walking in a dark haze of sadness and fatigue. My limbs feel like they are twice as heavy and it takes a tremendous amount of will power to complete the simplest of tasks.

Social situations are a challenge because my anxiety is high and my concentration is poor. Normally, I enjoy talking and visiting with my friends but when I am in a Depressive Episode I hardly say a word. I end up sitting quietly trying to will my brain to jump on the merry-go-round of social interaction. This is one reason I avoid being with my friends when I am not well.

During Depressive Episodes, because my concentration is poor and my ability to experience pleasure is reduced, talking in a fun and spontaneous way is a challenge. Plus, common questions in conversation like “What did you do today?” can be difficult to answer for someone in a Depressive Episode. An honest response might be, “I laid in bed all day struggling with suicidal ideation”, but you can’t say that so it can be hard to talk about your day.

There is isn’t one exact formula for the best way to support someone during a Bipolar Depressive Episode. What works for one person may not be effective for someone else. I can only share what I find most helpful.

In my case, advice is not helpful. I know that when I am in a Depressive Episode I will be suffering for some time and I accept that. This means I don’t beat myself up for not being able to accomplish as much when I am not well. When people give me advice it makes me entertain the thought that maybe I am not trying hard enough. I struggle with self compassion when my mood is low so battling thoughts like this is just a waste of precious energy that I need to get through the day.

I may not be a lot of fun to be around when I am in a Depressive Episode but I still want to be around people. Attending a Peer Support group is a really great way to fulfill this need. Everyone understands how I feel and I don’t have to pretend I am ok. It can be helpful for people with Bipolar Disorder to have a friend go to their first meeting with them to help ease the anxiety of meeting new people.

When a friend invites me to join them on one of their activities it helps me to be more active in my life. For example, if someone says something like, “I am going to go for a walk. Why don’t you join me?” I find it very supportive. If I simply don’t have enough energy to go, I don’t feel bad because I know the activity does not require my presence. In this case, it’s important that my friend goes for a walk even if I decide not to go.

When I am experiencing a Depressive Episode, I feel extremely exhausted and when I make plans to meet friends it may take me forever just to leave my apartment. I have friends who understand this about me. They may go to a coffee shop and read until I can make it there to meet them. I don’t use my mood as an excuse to be disrespectful to people who insist on punctuality, but I will likely choose to spend time with people who are a little more flexible when I am not well.

Even though I am not good at communicating with others when my mood is low it is still nice to hear from people who care about me. A quick text or phone call from someone who is genuinely concerned means a lot to me. I may be too tired to talk but it’s nice to have human connection and it’s a small gesture that makes me feel better.

If someone asks me what they can do to help I will likely have no response. Again, the concentration required to assess my needs, figure out what would be an acceptable request and formulate a sentence communicating all of this is too great. It’s better for me if people offer help by specifically saying what they are willing to do. For example, since fatigue is such a problem, if someone offers to bring me supper when I am not well that’s helpful.

As long as you treat the person with Bipolar Disorder with care, patience and compassion any form of support is appreciated. Bipolar Disorder is chronic. The vast majority of us still battle depressive episodes to varying degrees even after an effective medication is found that reduces the severity of our symptoms. Positive support from friends and family can make the suffering more bearable and potentially speed up recovery.

The Calming Presence of Pets

November 30, 2020 /
My cat Bella!

Everyone who has bipolar disorder has to do their best to limit the amount of stress they have in their life. My bipolar disorder reacts severely to stress. If I have a high level of stress in my life I will be stuck in a depressive episode for a lengthy period of time. If my stress level is extremely high I can have a full blown manic episode.

Pets can be great for reducing stress. When I feel overwhelmed if I put my feet up and wrap a blanket around my legs my cat, Bella, will hop into my lap and purr as she kneads my thigh. The purring is soothing. When she has decided she has done enough kneading she curls up into a little ball and falls asleep on my lap. The warmth of her tiny body and the rhythmic expansion of her chest from her little lungs put me in a state of peace.

When I come home Bella comes to greet me at the door. After smelling my hand to make sure it really is me she headbutts my hand and purrs as she brushes up against my leg. If I am having a bad day these affectionate greetings can give me a bit more energy.

Having a cat as opposed to another type of animal is perfect for me. She is independent. She knows when to eat, when to use her litter box and if I spend a little less time with her she doesn’t care. In fact, I am pretty sure she enjoys spending a lot of time alone.

When my mood is low meeting people can be hard because I don’t have the energy to socialize. I feel like I am not a lot of fun to be around and conversation is difficult because my concentration is poor. Even when I am not well I still feel a connection to Bella. She does not care that I am not a good conversationalist at times nor does she mind that I do not have a lot of energy to put into our interactions.

Bella seems to be aware of where my wellness is at. For example, there are times I am watching TV and I notice that Bella is sitting on the floor in front of me and staring at me. It’s like she is saying, “Man, you are a mess. What’s wrong with you?” When she stares at me like this I think about my routine. I ask myself if I am sleeping enough, exercising, maintaining a structured lifestyle and eating ok. Invariably, when she does this I am neglecting at least one aspect of my wellness plan so Bella’s reminders that I need to take better care of myself are helpful.

When I see my psychiatrist, the first thing she asks me is, “How’s Bella?” If Bella has been less affectionate and staring at me a lot she knows I am not ok. When I am in a healthy state Bella follows me everywhere and she always wants to sit on my lap. My psychiatrist says that Bella’s behavior is a good barometer of my health. There is a possibility that the real reason my psychiatrist asks about Bella is because she loves cats.

There are times during depressive episodes where people with bipolar disorder can begin to lose hope because they start to believe their life is not going to get better. This is partially because of the devastation that having bipolar disorder can do to your life and partially because having negative thoughts is a symptom of having a depressive episode. When you have a pet that loves you and needs you everyday it can serve as a needed daily reminder that your existence has significance.

Having a pet may not be a fit for everyone. It is a huge responsibility. Some people may not be well enough to have a pet or maybe they just don’t like animals. Gifting someone a pet in the hope they snap out of a depressive episode would not be appropriate. I adopted Bella during a lengthy period of wellness in my life.

Having Bella in my life has helped me stay well. Whether my life and health is good or bad her behavior does not change. She has helped me get through one of the most horrendous periods of my life and she has brought me joy during the good times. She is a very powerful little creature whose main strengths are being adorable and being happy to be with me.

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